Thursday, May 5, 2011

Missing Him

One year … that's how long it's been since my dad so surprisingly passed away. It seems so long ago and yet it seems like just yesterday. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t unhappy, he was busy, he was farming, he was taking care of his dog, Daisy, he was going to dances, he was involved with all 3 of his daughters and their families …. He was here one moment and gone the next.

 I saw him a lot …. He was here at my house at least every 2 weeks if not more. He almost always showed up unexpectedly {which drove me crazy} bringing us soda and treats for the kids and sometimes dinner. I think about him alot ... more than every day .... more like several times an hour.  I am a lot like my dad … I’m a loner, I can be very quiet/shy at times and very loud and obnoxious at others. I’m a rule follower. I love old things and reusing things …. I can be a saver and a hoarder. I’m a procrastinator and not the best housekeeper.  These are  all things I would say were qualities my father had. I think family is pretty important just like he did.

I’ve noticed over the past year how much Caden is like my Dad. He has the same beautiful blue eyes as my dad. The way he smiles and after seeing some of my dad’s childhood photos, they looked almost alike at this age.   Even the way Dad was standing in old photos is Caden to a tee.  Caden will suddenly say something out of character that remind me of things my dad would say from time to time.

At Christmas time, I was digging through my cookie jar in the kitchen and I found a Christmas card from my Dad. It wasn’t dated and he had handwritten all our names in it and it said something about remembering the blessings at this time of the year and then he signed it Love, Dad Grandpa Spike. It was like he was here and I think it was his way of showing it and a reminder that I need to be present in the moment. All through the past year, I see signs of him everywhere …. He really has carried me through this deep dark time. There were many many weeks when all I wanted to do was sit in my bedroom and watch mindless TV hour after hour, it was hard to do anything else. I know he was right there with me. I needed that time to grieve and be alone and figure out things. I know now that he was my strength when he was here even though I didn’t realize it and he continues to be my strength after he’s gone.

Being out on the farm is hard work but it’s a way to be close to him and his land and our family. We all seem to pull together out there. It’s been a rough road for us sisters too, we are close, but I know for me I’ve had some not so glamorous moments. Everything is different and I felt like we all had our little place in life but with my Dad’s passing it was like someone put us all in a can and shook us up and dumped us out and now it’s all different and for me I’m just trying to find my new place in our relationships, our family. It’s still good to get out there and work together …. It’s are own special therapy. After a day or two on the farm, I’m much too tired to be overly concerned with the unimportant minutia that sometimes overcomes me. I just ordered a quote for my wall that says “Happiness is a Journey” which is very true … this part of life’s journey is not happy but the memories of my dad and closeness that I share with my sisters and their families is part of the happy part. So one year down the road, I am wiser, I am appreciative of my dad, I am missing him more with every passing day. I think it was my sister who said she read somewhere that when you lose a loved one you never get over it, you just get used to it.
Miss and love you, Dad!

1 comment:


I am so sorry for your loss and thinking about you and your family!