I Never Thought ....

I’d be checking the soybean prices to see when to sell my dad’s grain.

I’d almost cry at my children’s baseball game because my dad didn’t get to see them play.

I’d wonder if each person I pass in the grocery store knew my dad.

I’d enjoy working on the farm especially the hard outside labor stuff as much as I do, even in the heat (that's Keely at the equator of the farm).

I’d be thinking about the weather as much as Dad did and hope it’s good for growing crops even the ones that aren’t mine.

I’d have trouble letting things go that were Dad’s especially pieces of paper with his handwriting on it even when it’s just a phone number or a list.

I’d realize how much I am like my Dad in the hoarding department.

I’d see how messy my house can be on a continuous basis because I don’t have the time or energy for picking up.

I'd think Dad was watching me when I see beautiful skies especially at the farm.

I’d bring procrastinating to an all time high by dragging my feet on so many things because getting more Dad stuff done just brings us closer to having nothing to do for Dad …. That seems like a weird sort of purgatory.

I'd get so much use out of my rain boots which are now my work boots .... thank goodness I bought cute ones!

I’d walk and drive through cemeteries seeing what other people put up and how headstones are decorated so I could get ideas for Dad.

I’d think so much about my own mortality and how I would like to be remembered and what kind of funeral I would like to have.

I’d long for the day when I can raise chickens (with Jackson) and possibly think that raising calves might be a fun thing.

I’d see my motorcycle-loving husband wear a cowboy hat while driving a tractor and wanting to learn to farm (seriously).

I’d get into an argument with my farm-loving husband about chicken raising. (Argument part not so much of a surprise).

I’d almost cry driving to Keely’s house last weekend remembering that last time I went there, Dad was there too for my nephews’ birthday party. Firsts are hard.

I’d listen to the CD of songs we all picked to play at his funeral forty thousand times and still not be sick of it.

I’d get to spend this much time with my family on the farm and no one has yet complained one bit about the hard work.

I’d feel like our cash renters were like family in less 6 weeks.

I’d be able to hear my dad saying things like he was standing next to me talking …. Knowing the exact words he would say in certain situations.

I’d want to throw all my scrapbooking stuff out the window … I have no desire to “create” anytime soon.

I’d treasure everything I’d see on the farm, even stuff that is “scrap” or that I have no idea what it is.

I'd long for my children to grow up on a farm like I did.

I’d continue to think of my dad so much every single day while missing him more and more … it’s definitely not getting any easier at this point.

Enough

So I've been doing some thinking the last couple days  and I've decided it's enough.  Enough of the grief taking over my life, although I know it's not a switch I can turn on and off .... I need to change my attitude and I know that would help.  Why now?  because although it's only been 5 weeks .... it needs to be enough because my husband needs his wife back .... before he files for divorce, because my kids need their mom back .... before I yell their ears off, because my house needs to be somewhat organized and cleaned  .... before we are buried alive, and because I need some a little sense of normal .... before I completely go over the edge.   I'm going to try harder, I'm going to try to celebrate my father's life and the great things he did, the funny things he said, and how much he loved us.  I have been thinking lately of how much I am like him in so many ways .... one way I know we are the same that if the situation was reversed and I was gone and he was still here .... that he would be doing the same as me .... practically drowning in grief, doing all he can, but feeling so overwhelmed that it was difficult to go on.  I know I would be watching him wishing he would remember the happy times, the fun times, the great times, and to take advantage of the now moments.  I know my dad is looking down on us now and wanting us to go on and enjoy the now and not drown in our grief.  I never realized how people can become paralized by the death of a loved one but now I do.  I can see how easily it is to succumb to the grief and become depressed or dependent on alcohol or drugs or just not move forward in life.  The hard thing to do is to push forward through the pain and despair.  It's not to say that I won't still be grieving or that there won't be sad days but for the sake of my family I must try to find a little bit of my old self.  I know it would make my dad happy. 

And on a lighter (and really snarky) note, at least I know I am a real girl since I have feelings unlike other unnamed family members who must be robots or androids or something who can't even acknowledge that my father died or that me and my sisters are in pain .... yeah, I'm a real live person and I'm going prove it by living and celebrating my dad's life just like he would want me to do.

My New Life

I've pretty much given up doing much of anything that was my previous life.  For sure that list includes cleaning my house, cooking, blogging (except right now), reading blogs, grocery shopping, scrapbooking, or doing the thousands of things that should be done but now seem like the most trivial things ever.  Eating seems to fall into that category ... sometimes it's because I'm not really hungry other times is I just don't have time right now.  How can paperwork take up so much time?  I guess because the paperwork stuff is not here ... it's here, there, and everywhere I'm not.  I've become all too familiar with the grief police ... meeting a couple members ... not a big fan!  Truth be known, I'd like to lock myself in a room somewhere for like a week but the 4 kids and husband seem to put a damper on that idea.  So I go on .... These 2 girls are right there with me .... so glad to have them ....

so glad we get along ... so glad we aren't petty about stuff .... so glad we can laugh about Dad and things only we truly understand .....

so glad we will be spending tons of hours together this summer ....  so glad we talk each other down from the "cliffs" and the crazy moments  .... however I am still getting a tattoo .....

Change

Talk about a complete turnabout in my life.  I used to spend my days doing household chores, scrapbooking, running errands, tending to kids, browsing blogs, organizing all my "stuff", etc   Today I spent my time looking through boxes of paperwork, calling various insurance companies, learning stuff about farming, trying to make sense out of my dad's paperwork.  It's draining and confusing.  I think I called one sister no less than 5 times and emailed both sisters several times.
It's hard to deal with this type of stuff when you just want to grieve and do nothing else.  It seems like our life has stopped and it will never be the same again.  All 3 of us girls are having major life changes and it's a lot to deal with but at least we have each other.  I say in the end we can write a book about this.  Funny things, sad things, memories, drama, and unbelievable things people say to you at a time like this.  I've learned to "brace myself" if someone says "I don't mean to be rude but" ... you know something's coming out of their mouth that probably should have gone unsaid.  It's amazing how some people step up and are there .... people we didn't even know before Dad died.  It's those people that are helping us go on, give us support, and share wonderful stories of our dad to keep the good times.  I know life will continue to go on and things will be less overwhelming as we get it together.  We have plenty to keep us busy in the mean time which I think is a good thing .... maybe.

Happy Birthday, Dad

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Today was my dad's 68th birthday.  I wish I could have told him "Happy Birthday" and celebrated the way we always did.  I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since he died.  It seems like the moments have crept by and yet where did 2 weeks go?  It will be a long road for my family to travel without him.  Happy Birthday, Dad!

Too Much

Too much of anything is bad … clothing, talking, eating, time (although I can’t say I have ever had too much time), TV, toys, money (yes, I totally believe that …. I NEVER want to win the lottery), stuff .... the only exception is you can’t have too much LOVE or too many kids (well, some days I may disagree with that statement) but not today.

Happy Earth Day!

I've been trying to be more responsible when it comes to our family's carbon footprint. When you have a large family, sometimes it seems like we make a HUGE impact on the environment in many ways. This past year we starting to recycle. I used to save our recyclables and take them to another town to drop off. What a pain! Finally our town (after much upheaval and controversy) made it possible to have curbside recycling. Of course the upheaval and controversy only made it possible if you paid for recycling. For $7.50 a month, we can get a bimonthly pick up. It's totally worth it. We used to have 4+ overflowing 30 gallon trash cans each week to be hauled to the landfill. Now we only fill 1/2 ONE 30 gallon trash can. Our recycling 45 gallon bin is completely full or overflowing every two weeks. I feel this is making a difference even if we do have to pay for it. You pay for it one way or another. I wish the majority of our town could see this.

I made reusable napkins. One yard gave us 6 napkins. I made them a little smaller than what I saw other people in blogland doing but this size works just fine. I have 2 more yards of fabric to make into napkins too. It only took about 90 minutes. We don't normally use napkins or paper towels but the kids like to wipe their mouths and hands on their clothes so hopefully we learn some manners as we use our fun napkins.

I hate plastic water bottles. I really don't see why we have to buy water when we can get it out of the faucet for pennies. However my husband feels differently. The kids follow his lead. I am really going to try to get rid of the plastic water bottle usage this summer. We found aluminum water bottles on sale a couple weeks ago and everyone picked one out. We are going to use them on vacation and throughout the summer. Everyone knows their color and I'm hoping it will cut down on the number of cups we have to wash every day too by using the same water bottle throughout the day.

Happy Earth Day to you!