Thursday, May 27, 2010


So I've been doing some thinking the last couple days  and I've decided it's enough.  Enough of the grief taking over my life, although I know it's not a switch I can turn on and off .... I need to change my attitude and I know that would help.  Why now?  because although it's only been 5 weeks .... it needs to be enough because my husband needs his wife back .... before he files for divorce, because my kids need their mom back .... before I yell their ears off, because my house needs to be somewhat organized and cleaned  .... before we are buried alive, and because I need some a little sense of normal .... before I completely go over the edge.   I'm going to try harder, I'm going to try to celebrate my father's life and the great things he did, the funny things he said, and how much he loved us.  I have been thinking lately of how much I am like him in so many ways .... one way I know we are the same that if the situation was reversed and I was gone and he was still here .... that he would be doing the same as me .... practically drowning in grief, doing all he can, but feeling so overwhelmed that it was difficult to go on.  I know I would be watching him wishing he would remember the happy times, the fun times, the great times, and to take advantage of the now moments.  I know my dad is looking down on us now and wanting us to go on and enjoy the now and not drown in our grief.  I never realized how people can become paralized by the death of a loved one but now I do.  I can see how easily it is to succumb to the grief and become depressed or dependent on alcohol or drugs or just not move forward in life.  The hard thing to do is to push forward through the pain and despair.  It's not to say that I won't still be grieving or that there won't be sad days but for the sake of my family I must try to find a little bit of my old self.  I know it would make my dad happy. 

And on a lighter (and really snarky) note, at least I know I am a real girl since I have feelings unlike other unnamed family members who must be robots or androids or something who can't even acknowledge that my father died or that me and my sisters are in pain .... yeah, I'm a real live person and I'm going prove it by living and celebrating my dad's life just like he would want me to do.

No comments: