It's the little things

5 months ago today my life changed forever ....  the day I discovered life without my dad. I’m pretty sure I think of him on an hourly basis at a minimum. I never knew how different my life could become or how hard it would be to go on but it is. That’s just the facts. I am trying my best to keep myself busy with all kinds of trivial things such as making 6 Halloween costumes, substitute teaching, cleaning up a farm, planning 2 fun birthday parties for the kids, jumping head first into home improvement projects, scrapbooking, cleaning my basement, and making 4 quilts for the kids. Yes I am doing all this stuff simultaneously, just a few things to keep me busy and to keep me being creative. This is hard and stressful but I don’t know what else to do. Everything is different for me now: my relationship with everyone I know feels different. The way I see myself is different I used to see myself as a strong and easy-going person. Now I think I am anything but strong and any slight change in anything throws me into a tail spin of stress and anxiety, certainly not the definition of easy-going. Trying to remember to breath deeply and watching for all those little signs of my dad. He really is everywhere … the other day when we were leaving for school, upstairs Reese’s singing bear broke into song in the middle of the song “I hope you dance” all by itself ... it's never done that before and I've never heard it start in the middle of the song either . Another day the rocking horse in our dining room rocked forever all by itself, even got a little faster for awhile before it stopped. I got in the van today and the song Aaron and I played at our wedding “Keeper of the Stars” was on the radio.  We had a dumb fight last night and this kind of put things back into perspective for me. Ethan loving school and doing so much better and wanting to go …. It’s my dad being there right along side him not that we aren’t working hard with him and he’s not doing anything but I know he’s getting a little guidance from his grandpa.  There’s little things like that all the time …. Then a while back while I was cleaning I discovered a true gift. On Thanksgiving I had each person here for dinner write what they were thankful for. I took everyone’s photo and I was going to make a little book, of course I never got around to it. I looked through the stack of thankfulness and there was my dad’s card, in his handwriting. I don’t think I read it when he wrote it.

I'm thankful for my Grandkids, kids, friends, good crops, life, still can dance.    - Spike 

It’s like mail from heaven. A special gift that shows me he was happy and enjoyed his life and knew what was really important. Life goes on …. even when it's really hard and I’m glad I have those little things to help me through it.

This day

I spent the weekend celebrating Grammy's birthday, having a sisters' day out, and working on the farm.  It was a busy and fun weekend.

Here's some of my "finds" from garage sale/thrift store shopping.

I have a dual purpose for most of these items that involve a birthday party and my laundry room ... what a combo!

I filled up Dad's truck with hog shed shingles once. 

Once by yourself takes a long time especially when you are interrupted every 5 minutes by crying children.  Their cousins keep them busy when they come to the farm .... but when it's just us there's so much fighting.

Reese has croup again.  Last winter, I think she had it at least 4 times so here we go again.  I let it go for about a week thinking she'd get better or when I'd go into her bedroom at night I find that 100 lb dog that was barking so much.  She didn't get better and I never did see that dog, so we went to the doctor today to get a round of steroids.

I made this Pioneer Woman recipe for dinner:  Beer-Braised Beef.  It was pretty good ... although I think next time I'd do it in the crock pot.

I love May Flaum's philosophy on a minimum of 10 creative minutes a day with keep your creative muscles in shape.  Sometimes weeks or months go by where I don't do anything creative.  I can find 10 minutes a day.

I am finishing by Daily December Album from 2008! 

When Keely was here on Saturday, I think I dug out about 5 unfinished projects.  So I am going to start finishing some of these projects even if I just work on them 10 minutes a day.

I start substitute teaching this week.  I threw my name in the hat at the kids' school.  So this week I have 2-1/2 days (all in a row) to start.  I'm not too nervous about it.  I don't think I'll be eaten alive or locked in a closet but you never know.  It's been over 6 years since I've taught ....I hope it's like riding a bike.

I'm really into Miranda Lambert and her song "Airstream".  Life hasn't been all that kind to me lately and even though I'm not really a big camper I could totally see myself camping in a vintage airstream.  We've camped at Dad's farm quite a few times this summer ... in a tent ... in a sleeping bag ... on the ground.   My brother-in-law, John, borrowed his parents pop-up camper this weekend and camped out there with Aaron.  I didn't stay in it but it's quite the upgrade from a tent.  I would love to own a vintage camper like this:

How fun do they look?   I imagine they are just as neat on the inside as the outside.  I'm also sure the price tag is pretty neat too.  But boy I really would love to take a break from everything for a while in one of these .... maybe someday I'll live like a gypsy in one of these.

This Weekend

It's the last "official" weekend of the summer so on this {3 day} weekend we are:

*Moving the boys downstairs to their "new" room. {requires a ton of deciding where other furniture will go in our house}
*Finding new homes for toys that used to live in the playroom (decluttering!)
*Spending some time on the farm
*Taking the kids to McDonalds .... they are begging
*Cleaning up my scrapbooking and sewing table .... what a mess!
*Sewing .... quilt tops, beanbags, a couple gifts
*Scrapbooking .... needing some creative time
*Watching a parade .... we usually go to the Labor Day Parade.  The kids love it plus it's a good place to get a bunch of candy to put in birthday pinatas (how bad is that?)
*Having at home "movie date" with my hubby
*Make a yummy treat ... what I don't know but pumpkins bars sound good
*Cook breakfast .... bacon, eggs, pancakes, hashbrowns .... I don't think I've done since before my dad died over 4 months ago!
*Locate a positive attitude for me ... somehow it's become misplaced, maybe in my messy house and with the start of school
*I would love to go to the scrapbook store ... I have gift certificates just to get away but not sure if that is in the cards for me and if not that's okay .....

I'm looking forward to a long weekend, getting things accomplished, relaxing, creating, and eating.  I hope the same for everyone else too!