Enough

So I've been doing some thinking the last couple days  and I've decided it's enough.  Enough of the grief taking over my life, although I know it's not a switch I can turn on and off .... I need to change my attitude and I know that would help.  Why now?  because although it's only been 5 weeks .... it needs to be enough because my husband needs his wife back .... before he files for divorce, because my kids need their mom back .... before I yell their ears off, because my house needs to be somewhat organized and cleaned  .... before we are buried alive, and because I need some a little sense of normal .... before I completely go over the edge.   I'm going to try harder, I'm going to try to celebrate my father's life and the great things he did, the funny things he said, and how much he loved us.  I have been thinking lately of how much I am like him in so many ways .... one way I know we are the same that if the situation was reversed and I was gone and he was still here .... that he would be doing the same as me .... practically drowning in grief, doing all he can, but feeling so overwhelmed that it was difficult to go on.  I know I would be watching him wishing he would remember the happy times, the fun times, the great times, and to take advantage of the now moments.  I know my dad is looking down on us now and wanting us to go on and enjoy the now and not drown in our grief.  I never realized how people can become paralized by the death of a loved one but now I do.  I can see how easily it is to succumb to the grief and become depressed or dependent on alcohol or drugs or just not move forward in life.  The hard thing to do is to push forward through the pain and despair.  It's not to say that I won't still be grieving or that there won't be sad days but for the sake of my family I must try to find a little bit of my old self.  I know it would make my dad happy. 

And on a lighter (and really snarky) note, at least I know I am a real girl since I have feelings unlike other unnamed family members who must be robots or androids or something who can't even acknowledge that my father died or that me and my sisters are in pain .... yeah, I'm a real live person and I'm going prove it by living and celebrating my dad's life just like he would want me to do.

My New Life

I've pretty much given up doing much of anything that was my previous life.  For sure that list includes cleaning my house, cooking, blogging (except right now), reading blogs, grocery shopping, scrapbooking, or doing the thousands of things that should be done but now seem like the most trivial things ever.  Eating seems to fall into that category ... sometimes it's because I'm not really hungry other times is I just don't have time right now.  How can paperwork take up so much time?  I guess because the paperwork stuff is not here ... it's here, there, and everywhere I'm not.  I've become all too familiar with the grief police ... meeting a couple members ... not a big fan!  Truth be known, I'd like to lock myself in a room somewhere for like a week but the 4 kids and husband seem to put a damper on that idea.  So I go on .... These 2 girls are right there with me .... so glad to have them ....

so glad we get along ... so glad we aren't petty about stuff .... so glad we can laugh about Dad and things only we truly understand .....

so glad we will be spending tons of hours together this summer ....  so glad we talk each other down from the "cliffs" and the crazy moments  .... however I am still getting a tattoo .....

Change

Talk about a complete turnabout in my life.  I used to spend my days doing household chores, scrapbooking, running errands, tending to kids, browsing blogs, organizing all my "stuff", etc   Today I spent my time looking through boxes of paperwork, calling various insurance companies, learning stuff about farming, trying to make sense out of my dad's paperwork.  It's draining and confusing.  I think I called one sister no less than 5 times and emailed both sisters several times.
It's hard to deal with this type of stuff when you just want to grieve and do nothing else.  It seems like our life has stopped and it will never be the same again.  All 3 of us girls are having major life changes and it's a lot to deal with but at least we have each other.  I say in the end we can write a book about this.  Funny things, sad things, memories, drama, and unbelievable things people say to you at a time like this.  I've learned to "brace myself" if someone says "I don't mean to be rude but" ... you know something's coming out of their mouth that probably should have gone unsaid.  It's amazing how some people step up and are there .... people we didn't even know before Dad died.  It's those people that are helping us go on, give us support, and share wonderful stories of our dad to keep the good times.  I know life will continue to go on and things will be less overwhelming as we get it together.  We have plenty to keep us busy in the mean time which I think is a good thing .... maybe.

Happy Birthday, Dad

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Today was my dad's 68th birthday.  I wish I could have told him "Happy Birthday" and celebrated the way we always did.  I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since he died.  It seems like the moments have crept by and yet where did 2 weeks go?  It will be a long road for my family to travel without him.  Happy Birthday, Dad!