It's the little things

5 months ago today my life changed forever ....  the day I discovered life without my dad. I’m pretty sure I think of him on an hourly basis at a minimum. I never knew how different my life could become or how hard it would be to go on but it is. That’s just the facts. I am trying my best to keep myself busy with all kinds of trivial things such as making 6 Halloween costumes, substitute teaching, cleaning up a farm, planning 2 fun birthday parties for the kids, jumping head first into home improvement projects, scrapbooking, cleaning my basement, and making 4 quilts for the kids. Yes I am doing all this stuff simultaneously, just a few things to keep me busy and to keep me being creative. This is hard and stressful but I don’t know what else to do. Everything is different for me now: my relationship with everyone I know feels different. The way I see myself is different I used to see myself as a strong and easy-going person. Now I think I am anything but strong and any slight change in anything throws me into a tail spin of stress and anxiety, certainly not the definition of easy-going. Trying to remember to breath deeply and watching for all those little signs of my dad. He really is everywhere … the other day when we were leaving for school, upstairs Reese’s singing bear broke into song in the middle of the song “I hope you dance” all by itself ... it's never done that before and I've never heard it start in the middle of the song either . Another day the rocking horse in our dining room rocked forever all by itself, even got a little faster for awhile before it stopped. I got in the van today and the song Aaron and I played at our wedding “Keeper of the Stars” was on the radio.  We had a dumb fight last night and this kind of put things back into perspective for me. Ethan loving school and doing so much better and wanting to go …. It’s my dad being there right along side him not that we aren’t working hard with him and he’s not doing anything but I know he’s getting a little guidance from his grandpa.  There’s little things like that all the time …. Then a while back while I was cleaning I discovered a true gift. On Thanksgiving I had each person here for dinner write what they were thankful for. I took everyone’s photo and I was going to make a little book, of course I never got around to it. I looked through the stack of thankfulness and there was my dad’s card, in his handwriting. I don’t think I read it when he wrote it.

I'm thankful for my Grandkids, kids, friends, good crops, life, still can dance.    - Spike 

It’s like mail from heaven. A special gift that shows me he was happy and enjoyed his life and knew what was really important. Life goes on …. even when it's really hard and I’m glad I have those little things to help me through it.

This day

I spent the weekend celebrating Grammy's birthday, having a sisters' day out, and working on the farm.  It was a busy and fun weekend.

Here's some of my "finds" from garage sale/thrift store shopping.

I have a dual purpose for most of these items that involve a birthday party and my laundry room ... what a combo!

I filled up Dad's truck with hog shed shingles once. 

Once by yourself takes a long time especially when you are interrupted every 5 minutes by crying children.  Their cousins keep them busy when they come to the farm .... but when it's just us there's so much fighting.

Reese has croup again.  Last winter, I think she had it at least 4 times so here we go again.  I let it go for about a week thinking she'd get better or when I'd go into her bedroom at night I find that 100 lb dog that was barking so much.  She didn't get better and I never did see that dog, so we went to the doctor today to get a round of steroids.

I made this Pioneer Woman recipe for dinner:  Beer-Braised Beef.  It was pretty good ... although I think next time I'd do it in the crock pot.

I love May Flaum's philosophy on a minimum of 10 creative minutes a day with keep your creative muscles in shape.  Sometimes weeks or months go by where I don't do anything creative.  I can find 10 minutes a day.

I am finishing by Daily December Album from 2008! 

When Keely was here on Saturday, I think I dug out about 5 unfinished projects.  So I am going to start finishing some of these projects even if I just work on them 10 minutes a day.

I start substitute teaching this week.  I threw my name in the hat at the kids' school.  So this week I have 2-1/2 days (all in a row) to start.  I'm not too nervous about it.  I don't think I'll be eaten alive or locked in a closet but you never know.  It's been over 6 years since I've taught ....I hope it's like riding a bike.

I'm really into Miranda Lambert and her song "Airstream".  Life hasn't been all that kind to me lately and even though I'm not really a big camper I could totally see myself camping in a vintage airstream.  We've camped at Dad's farm quite a few times this summer ... in a tent ... in a sleeping bag ... on the ground.   My brother-in-law, John, borrowed his parents pop-up camper this weekend and camped out there with Aaron.  I didn't stay in it but it's quite the upgrade from a tent.  I would love to own a vintage camper like this:

How fun do they look?   I imagine they are just as neat on the inside as the outside.  I'm also sure the price tag is pretty neat too.  But boy I really would love to take a break from everything for a while in one of these .... maybe someday I'll live like a gypsy in one of these.

This Weekend

It's the last "official" weekend of the summer so on this {3 day} weekend we are:

*Moving the boys downstairs to their "new" room. {requires a ton of deciding where other furniture will go in our house}
*Finding new homes for toys that used to live in the playroom (decluttering!)
*Spending some time on the farm
*Taking the kids to McDonalds .... they are begging
*Cleaning up my scrapbooking and sewing table .... what a mess!
*Sewing .... quilt tops, beanbags, a couple gifts
*Scrapbooking .... needing some creative time
*Watching a parade .... we usually go to the Labor Day Parade.  The kids love it plus it's a good place to get a bunch of candy to put in birthday pinatas (how bad is that?)
*Having at home "movie date" with my hubby
*Make a yummy treat ... what I don't know but pumpkins bars sound good
*Cook breakfast .... bacon, eggs, pancakes, hashbrowns .... I don't think I've done since before my dad died over 4 months ago!
*Locate a positive attitude for me ... somehow it's become misplaced, maybe in my messy house and with the start of school
*I would love to go to the scrapbook store ... I have gift certificates just to get away but not sure if that is in the cards for me and if not that's okay .....

I'm looking forward to a long weekend, getting things accomplished, relaxing, creating, and eating.  I hope the same for everyone else too!

The ties that bind

Grammy generously bought the kids tennis shoes for kindergarten. Caden wanted something superhero and Ethan was looking for anything Toy Story related.  Addison and Grammy were determined to get on the fad bandwagon of Twinkle Toe Shoes.  They found them.   If you don't know what Twinkle Toes shoes are it's Dorothy's ruby red slippers on crack:  Rhinestones, foil, glitter, and blinking colored strobe lights that could be used to find a kid in the thickest fog.  The boys' shoes were velcro but Addison's had shoe laces.  A few weeks before school started I worked with her a bit on learning to tie her own shoes.  She did okay for her first time.

Then a couple days before school started, Aaron announced that they had to learn to tie their shoes before school started or they couldn't go to kindergarten.  "'We' aren't even working on it!" is what he said. 

I explained to him that you didn't have  to learn to tie your shoes before kindergarten started like when we were 5 and that we, meaning Addison and I, were working on it.  The second time we practiced, she got it. 

She was so proud!  She's been tying her shoes every day before school. 

She does need Mom to tighten them up but I am so proud of her for learning this.

One down, three kids to go!

Kindergarten Trio

Today was the first (half) day of kindergarten for the kids.  I surprised them with a little gift bag of a new shirt to wear today, cool ice pack for lunches, backpack charms, and a swirly straw and fun fizzy drinks.

The backpacks were filled with:

3 sets of Crayola water color paints

6 boxes of Crayola crayons

3 boxes of Crayola washable markers

3 packs of dry erase markers

3 erasers

3 plastic school boxes

24 glue sticks

6 bottles of white glue

3 pairs of scissors

3 2” 3-ring binders

3 back packs

2 boxes of sandwich Ziploc bags

1 box of gallon Ziploc bags

3 pairs of gym shoes

6 boxes of Kleenex

They were ready.  Even cooperated for the photos.

Ethan:  no crying going into school today .... I hope this is the new daily trend for him.

Caden didn't seem as nervous as he usually is for new things.

Addison was typically excited!  She even tied her own {twinkle toes} shoes today.

Reese wants to go to school too!  She only has three more years until kindergarten.
 

I walked them in to sit in their class lines in the gym.  This is the point where the tears started to well up for Mommy.  I was really surprised by this because I didn't think it would be emotional for me at all.  I had to gain composure or I was going to be a total mess in front of the entire elementary school.

Here's a glimpse at all three of them ... Ethan is in the background sucking his thumb, he was a bit nervous once we got to school.

He did fine though (I think).  They said they liked it and each earned some Toto Treats (school wide reward system).  They didn't have much to say but told me that they liked their teachers!  When Daddy got home there was a lots of talk about Long Johns (the donut ones) which was mentioned in some assembly today .... I think it had to do with bus safety and the morning breakfast program but all they remember is the Long John part then they asked me what Long Johns are. 
 
I think they are ready to go back tomorrow for a full day.

I know I am ready .... I got an entire closet cleaned out in 3 short hours today and tomorrow I am painting an entire room! I love school!

Down on My Knees

I’m not a worrier. Really I don’t see the point … things work out the way they are supposed to work out is kind of how I look at it. It’s just added stress and I don’t need more of that in my life. However, the worry is starting to set in about kindergarten and Ethan.

Maybe it’s more than worry …. Could be panic. Sure, he’s been going to preschool at the same school for 2 years. Completely full time last year. He had the same teacher and aide both of those years. Now he has a brand new teacher, a male teacher. I think a male teacher would be good for him …. But the “new” thing is a little scary for me. Every teacher has to be new once. As a matter of fact I’ve been a new teacher several times: new school, or new grades several times. I keep saying I hope this isn’t Ethan’s teacher’s first and last year!

My concerns are long. Will he listen? Will he stay with the class or wander off and get lost? Will he be able to keep up? Will he throw fits at school? Will he learn to write his name, his alphabet, his numbers, colors, to read …. I think they learn to read in kindergarten now!? Will he hoard all the toys and small game pieces? Will he just zone out and lay down and suck his thumb when he should be paying attention? Will he be lost because there isn’t an aide in his room this year? This is where I start to hyperventilate a little and the tears well up. Kindergarten is the BIG TIME ….. This is the real deal. This is where attitudes about school are decided and can affect an entire lifetime of learning.

Then as a breathe into a paper bag …. I think about how much he has changed this summer. He is a lot different. He is asking questions more …. His favorite is “what does that mean?” sometimes he’s serious when he asks that, sometimes he does it as a joke. He’s playing more imaginatively than ever.

I find him setting up toys and I hear him talking for them and playing out scenes. He is being more interactive with his siblings too, playing games and “house” sometimes with him being the initiator. He can almost dress himself all the way. He seldom throws a huge fit. He argues less about things and gives in much quicker when he’s being defiant. He can buckle the top part of his carseat …. We’re working on the bottom part now.

He has written some of the letters in his name all by himself. He's learning to follow multi-step directions.

He’s getting pretty good at using scissors. He doesn’t run off in stores any more. He will listen to Aaron and me when we tell him to look at our eyes. He asks for things rather just taking, like apples and snacks. He’s growing up and maturing.

I think some of his delay is due to lack of maturity and part is from his extreme stubbornness. I will keep working with him and talking to him and watching him …. I talk to him almost everyday about doing his best in kindergarten. But there’s only so much a mom can do.

I have to sit back and let him do the rest. It's a bit reminiscent of the NICU after he stabilized ... it was his job to eat and grow.  He did on his own terms ... just like potty training FIVE and a half years later.  All I could do was sit back and watch him grow ... and pray.

He has several teachers helping him: speech, a hearing aide itinerant, and new this year: a special ed teacher and an occupational therapist. He has a lot of people pulling for him …. Still his mom is worried and down on her knees praying that he works hard and is a successful kindergartner … I think I’ll be on my knees a lot this school year and if you have a minute feel free to say a little prayer for my boy.

Our Version of Hoarders

Have you seen those shows about the hoarding people?  There are a few.  I don't watch them on a regular basis but I've seen an episode here and there.  If not, it's people and their STUFF that is about ready or already has exploded outside their home.  Their houses are just packed and usually they are walking on their stuff to move around.  These people usually seem "normal" to the the outside world, are clean, dress nice, have friends, and hold jobs, then enter their home and it's a bizarre scene, thus exploiting them on TV.  It amazes me how exhausting it would be to live like that with stacks of things in every room, barely having room to eat or sleep or even walk.

Tonight I decided I would clean up the kids' room.  Pull out the beds, vacuum behind them, pick up stuff that falls under the beds, etc.  Tonight I realized one of our very own family members might be a future hoarder "star":  Addison.  She has stuff stashed everywhere. 

She collects bags, suitcases, and containers then fills them with random things:  lip gloss, yo-yos, play coins, sand shovels, bits of paper, candy, used straws, pet shop figures, an ignition switch (yes, I found an ignition switch with the key in there),  markers, socks, folded up blankets, etc, etc, etc .... Some things are hers, some things are community owned like markers and crayons and toys, and some things aren't hers at all like the ignition switch which I believe somehow she snuck home from Dad's house.  Am I surprised?  No, not really. 

I have issues with stuff sometimes.  I am doing lots better lately.  Trying not to save every single thing because someday I might need it or want it.  I've been taking at least a garbage bag a week to Goodwill.  Of course, it probably is genetic.  Dad was a hoarder.  He saved EVERYTHING and then some.  He loved to shop for clothes at Goodwill.  We found a couple of rooms of Goodwill clothes when we were cleaning out the house .... most he never wore ... tags were still on them.  That was just one of his hoarding tendencies.  I don't fall for the whole "people who hoard are depressed or have issues" deal.  Some people who hoard are depressed or have things wrong just like some people who are neat and uncluttered can be depressed and have issues.  Some people who hoard just like stuff or think they are going to need it again. 

Tonight as I was going through Addison's closet with her and discussing why she was putting things here, there and everywhere .... I think I realized she just needs her own space a bit more.  Sharing a room with 3 other people and not having some of your very own space to put your stuff is probably a big part of her problem.  A problem I need to get a handle on so it doesn't get worse.  So I need to get moving on getting the boys moved out of the 4 person bedroom and downstairs to their room and creating some space just for her and Reese.  I'm sure all the kids need this a bit.  

Of course she comes by it naturally, but an ignition switch???????  Even I wouldn't save that.